What I love about Sundays: Family dinners & resilience

A few years ago, I took a PR class called, "Communications 416: Media Advocacy and Social Change." Part of the class required us to complete a social advocacy project. My group chose to focus on the benefits of family mealtime and it's accompanying movement, and as part of the project I wrote several blog entries on the subject:

Cooking with the Condies : Resources Everywhere
Cooking with the Condies : Why I Love Family Meals
Cooking with the Condies : Family Day
Cooking with the Condies : The Benefits of Family Dinners

When I started this project I had been married for about 8 months. I was very-soon-to-be pregnant with Peyton. And I had no idea how impactful this project would be on my life.

One of many benefits family dinners offer is a greater sense of resilience (The Family Dinner Project).

Resilience: an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.

Resilience is something I've thought a lot about recently. It's also something I've had to work hard at, even as an adult.

In the Ensign article entitled, "Raising Resilient Children" (which I encourage EVERYONE to read. It's amazing), Lyle J. Burrup writes:

We know two things about adversity and resilience: First, there is “an opposition in all things” (2 Nephi 2:11). Second, obtaining anything of great worth often requires great sacrifice. 

As children become resilient, they understand and accept these two facts. They see life as challenging and ever changing, but they believe they can cope with those challenges and changes. They view mistakes and weaknesses as opportunities to learn, and they accept that losing may precede winning. 

As children develop resilience, they believe they can influence and even control outcomes in their lives through effort, imagination, knowledge, and skill. With this attitude, they focus on what they can do rather than on what is outside their control.

Couldn't we all use a little (or a lot) of resilience? Can you imagine having the ability to look at every mistake and weakness and say, "I can really learn from this! I might misstep a few times, but sometimes you have to lose before you can win."

Sometimes I focus on the things I can't change, when I should be focusing and working toward changing the things that I CAN control.

One thing that hinders the development of resilience is a misunderstanding of the commandment to be perfect (see Matthew 5:48) ...

This misunderstanding may also stem from what society teaches our youth: that their worth depends on talent and performance. In schools and communities, sometimes even at church or at home, youth see their peers get acceptance, admiration, approval, and praise for being talented at something. So they try to measure up. As they do so, they start to fear failure and mistakes. They choose what to do based on how successful they think they will be. They procrastinate when they do not feel confident. They worry about what others will think if they make mistakes. They fear loss of approval. They view their performance as the measure of their worth. Their perfectionism becomes a mean taskmaster, and it wears down their resilience.

I'm not a child or even a youth, but I still feel this way. I still feel like my worth depends on my talent and performance. Just this week I was filling out my mormon.org profile, and I started to feel down.

"What can I possibly put that would make people want to read about me? I'm ordinary. I'm stereotypical. I haven't accomplished anything outstanding or incredible. I'm average."

This is NOT resilient thinking. This IS a misunderstanding of the commandment to be perfect. This is not how God views us, and it's certainly not how I should view myself.

I'm extraordinary. I'm a child of God. Daughter of a King.

Burrup provides several suggestions for teaching our children resilience. I read the suggestions twice -- once for my kids and once for myself.

• Pray to understand your children’s strengths and how to help them with their weaknesses.
• Be patient and realize that children need time to develop resilience.
• Strive to understand that mistakes and failures are opportunities to learn.
• Allow natural, logical consequences to serve as the disciplinarian.
• Respect children’s decisions, even if their poor choices lead to lost privileges.
• Refrain from berating children for breaking the rules.
• Do not discourage effort by criticizing harshly.
• Rather than praising accomplishment, encourage and praise effort.
• “Praise your children more than you correct them. Praise them for even their smallest achievement” (President Ezra Taft Benson [1899–1994], “The Honored Place of Woman,” Ensign, Nov. 1981, 107).

• Pray to understand your strengths and for help with your weaknesses.
• Be patient and realize that you need time to develop resilience.
• Strive to understand that mistakes and failures are opportunities to learn.
• Allow natural, logical consequences to serve as the disciplinarian.
• Don't dwell on your decisions, even if you make poor choices. Learn from them and don't make them again.
• Refrain from berating yourself or your worth when you make mistakes.
• Do not criticize yourself harshly.
• Rather than praising your accomplishments, encourage and praise your efforts.
• “Praise more than you correct yourself. Praise yourself for even your smallest achievement” (President Ezra Taft Benson [1899–1994], “The Honored Place of Woman,” Ensign, Nov. 1981, 107).

Now we can add, "eat dinner together as a family" to our building-resilience list. And we can use that mealtime as an opportunity to practice many of the above suggestions.